Free Spirits and Fidelity
by darlingcas
Summary: (Megstiel AU) She's a free spirit. She yearns for the open road. He's a sensible homebody. Can their differences bring them closer? Or are they just not meant to be?
1. Chapter 1

The moonlight shone through cracks in her mahogany hair. Castiel studied her, as she looked up at the stars. She was beautiful. So beautiful. She lay down on the blanket they had spread across the sandy beach, and he lay next to her, his arms behind his head.

"Nothing prettier than the beach at night, huh Clarence?"

Cas smiled and reached for her, lacing his work roughened hand with her soft pale one.

"This was a nice idea Meg," he said, breathing in the cool night air as he looked up at the star dusted night.

Meg nesteld closer to him, and lay her head on his shoulder. They lay there quietly for a while, just looking up at the stars. There were other people on the beach, but not many. Just a few other random teenagers, some going night swimming in the freezing ocean, and others on the shore like Meg and Cas.

"I'm so glad to be out of school." Meg said with a sigh. "Eighteen years old and free as a bird." She looked up at Cas. "You know what we should do?" She looked so eager, her eyes wide and sparkling. A smile pulled at the corners of Castiel's mouth. She was always bubbling with energy, a new idea, a new adventure.

"What?"

"We should travel. Just me and you, and the whole world ahead of us."

She could tell he wasn't too enthralled, so she started talking faster, hoping maybe if she said all she wanted to say, he would agree with her.

"We could stop in different towns, get jobs and make some money until we had enough to move onto the next one." She looked out to sea, a dreamy expression on her face. Cas swallowed hard. He didn't know what to say. He couldn't leave, he was next in line to run his father's auto business, Singer Auto. But he didn't want to crush Meg.

"Meg I-" Cas was inturrupted as a tall, muscular blonde approached their blanket. "Meg? You look bangin'. It's been a while." He said with a smile, revealing a row of perfectly straight, white teeth.

"Luke?" Meg said, standing up and throwing her arms around the blonde's neck.

"It's been while." Luke said. "Man, like six months, just about. Right? I think that's about when."

Cas choked. Six months was hardly a lifetime to go without seeing someone. He stood up and protectively put his arm around Meg's waist. "Meg, who's this?" He said as he stood up a little straighter.

"I'm Luke, Meg's, well I guess you'd call me her ex boyfriend? We never really officially broke up but."

Cas' jaw tightened. "I see. Well, I'm her _current _boyfriend."

Luke's eyes darted from Meg to Cas. "Oh I see. Well that's just ace." He smiled but he looked a little disappointed. Maybe even hurt. Cas couldn't help but feel a slight feeling of triumph bubbling in his stomach.

"We should probably get going, I have work in the morning. It was nice to meet you, Luke."

Luke didn't bother to look at Cas, his eyes were fixated on Meg. "It was great to see you again." He said, his light blue eyes alight with a mischievous glow.

"Well have to do this again sometime."

_Not a chance. _Cas thought to himself. He bent down at grabbed the blanket, shaking the sand from it and folding it up. He placed it under his arm and took Meg's hand.

"Tonight was great, Cas." Meg said, leaning against his car door. They were parked outside her house, and neither of them particularly wanted her to go in.

Cas nodded. "If you want, I'll pick you up before work tomorrow and we can go to breakfast."

He played with his shirtleeves, a nervous habit he'd developed. Sometimes Meg still made him nervous, and they'd been dating for months now.

"Sounds perfect. See you later Cas." She tilted her cheek toward his lips and he pressed a gentle kiss to her alabaster skin. She sent him a little wave as she walked up the front steps and disappeared into her house.

Cas let out a heavy sigh. It shouldn't be so hard to let her go. He knew he'd see her again in the morning, but he hated the feeling of being without her. It was ridiculous, he knew.

When he got home to his apartment he tossed his keys onto the counter before heading to his bedroom and pulling off his shirt and changing into more comfortable pants. He slipped into bed , closing his eyes and trying to sleep. He tossed and turned, the noise outside the window was almost unbearable, and made it too difficult to sleep. He tossed and turned for a bit more before exasperated, he climbed out of bed and pulled his turntable to his bed. As the first few chords of his Johnny Cash record began to play, Cas closed his eyes and waited to drift off to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

It never ceased to baffle Castiel that Meg was his. He had always thought of her as something beautiful and unattainable, like the stars in the sky. He was almost content just watching her from afar, but there was always that _wish_. That deep-down gut wrenching desire to reach for the stars, and go for what he wanted. But he couldn't. She was only two years younger than him, but Cas just couldn't convince himself that she would ever want _him_.

He would never forget the day she walked up to him, out of the blue. He was covered in grease and probably looked quite disgusting. His brother Dean was trying to teach him auto repair but Castiel simply couldn't grasp it.

"Hey there." She said, smiling that sexy crooked little smile that caused men to melt at her feet. He remembered playing with his shirtsleeves (he really needed to learn how to stop doing that) and choking out a raspy "Hello."

Until then he'd only ever seen her at school, but he was graduated and she still had another year left. He'd thought he'd seen the last of the dark-haired beauty, but there she was.

"You and your brother fixed up my car real nice." Cas frantically thought of something to say. How do you find something to talk about with the girl of your dreams standing there in front of you, making you feel dizzy and at a loss for anything intelligent to say? Luckily, he didn't have to say anything. "So, Dean over there said it'll be a few more hours fixing up my old junker. What do you say, Want to grab something to eat, help a girl pass some time?"

They took Cas' car to the diner and talked for _hours_. And suddenly the anxious Castiel had vanished.

He felt comfortable. Not like he had to pretend to be anyone else, or think of witty things to say. He could just be _himself _with her. And it was better than he'd ever imagined.

They had just sat there in that diner. Talking, and talking about any and everything from their favorite books, films, and music. They talked about fears and religion and hopes and had always been beautiful to him, but right then she became even more beautiful, if that was possible. She was a different person then, in that diner. Before she was all red lipstick and spirit. But right there, she was vulnerable, and open. And Cas knew then that she was a rare and beautiful creature, and he would do whatever it took to deserve her.

And maybe that's why now, six months later, driving to pick up that same woman, he feels a crushing fear that he's going to lose her. Luke is just the sort of guy that he thought Meg wanted. Muscular, chill, athletic, _sexy_. Things he didn't see in himself. He gripped the steering wheel and tried to force the thoughts out of his head. Everything was _fine_.

He pulled up to her drive and left the car running as he ran to the door. She opened it up and smiled. Her dark hair was pulled into a messy bun, curly tendrils framing her face. She kissed his cheek and grabbed his hand. "Hurry up Babe, I'm starved."

He grinned and shook his head, sliding into the drivers seat and pulling out of her driveway.

When they walked into the diner, escaping the chilly morning air, Cas spun to face Meg, taking both her hands in his. "You hear that?"

She tilted her head and listened. Her cheeks growing red when she heard the song.

_"Oh please, say to me you'll let me be your man."_

Cas waggled his eyebrows and danced her back and forth, singing along_ "And please say to me, you'll let me hold your hand."_

He continued to dance her around the diner, ignoring the looks they were getting from the elderly couples. "Be straight with me Meg." He said, twirling her around.

"Would you like me better if I looked like this?" He pulled her too him and let go of her hands, forming his hands into little circles, placing them over his eyes.

Meg swatted at him, trying to hide a smile. "I should have never told you about that Clarence."

"Of your deep and undying crush on John Lennon? Why ever not?"

She shook her head. "Because, you'll never let me forget it."

He laughed and spun her around once more before they collapsed breathless into the red leather booth.

A pretty blonde waitress came and took their order. She tapped her pencil against her pad of paper and continually glanced up at Castiel.

"Hey," Meg said, waving in the girls face. "This guy right here, taken. Not eye candy for you, sweetheart."

Cas glanced up from the menu, his blue eyes wide. He cleared his throat uncomfortably, looking at the waitress and then Meg.

"Uh, I'll take a black coffee and pancakes." He said, placing his menu down and putting a hand over Meg's. Maybe he wasn't the only one who got unreasonably jealous.


	3. Chapter 3

Meg held the steaming cup of coffee to her lips and blew gently before taking a sip. Cas sat absentmindedly running his finger around the rim of his cup, staring into the coffee as if it held the key to all of life's mysteries.

"What's wrong?" Meg asked, peeking at Cas over the rim of her ceramic cup. He shook his head and glanced up at her before looking back down into the coffee.

"Nothing."

Meg squinted. "Cas. You've got your intense face on. I know something is wrong."

Cas has the kind of face that's hard to read. Half the time his own parents couldn't even tell when something was wrong. So it was profound to him that Meg could tell something was wrong just by the way he held his eyes. For a moment he thought of telling her everything. But how would he look then? Like an insecure, pathetic, jealous boyfriend. And he didn't want her to see him that way. So he avoided eye contact, swallowed hard and answered,

"It's nothing, really Meg. I just overthink things sometimes."

She looked at him for a few seconds, but to him it felt like a lifetime. Like she was studying every part of his face. Then she smiled, crooked her finger and leaned across the table.

"I hate that I can't reach you when you get lost in your mind. But you look so beautiful when you do." Then she leaned in even closer and pressed her cherry lips to his. His eyes flew shut as he lost himself in the softness of her lips, the lingering taste of coffee on her lips. She skimmed her nose against his before backing up and looking in his eyes. He's always thought that the night sky was the prettiest thing that God created, but after seeing the look on her face after she kissed him, he knew that nothing could ever measure up.

She looked at him, her eyes glimmering, and in a split second the words tumbled out of her mouth.

"I love you." She said it suddenly, almost unintentionally. It was so sudden that they both just sat back and looked at each other, in awe.

He was silent.

Her heart dropped in her chest.

_Stupid, stupid, stupid, what is _wrong _with you? _She kicked herself. Her face was growing pink and her palms were slick with sweat. "Excuse me." She said, smiling weakly and standing up. "I, uh. I've got to use the ladies room. Be back in a flash."

She tried to manage a wink but her eye wouldn't cooperate. Can an eye be heartbroken? She held herself together until she reached the bathroom, and then she collapsed. Leaning against the cool ceramic sink, she cried. She had never told anyone she loved them. Ever. Not even Luke, whom she had come the closest to ever loving. Luke had told her over and over again that he loved her, and she'd say that she knew, or she just wasn't ready to be in love. But with Castiel it was different. Every time he was near her entire body screamed _I love you, I love you, I. Love. You. _

And she finally said it.

But he hadn't said it back.

So, he didn't love her for now, and it hurt but it was okay. She would rather him not say it, than say it out of obligation.

She inspected herself in the mirror. Her lipstick was a little smudged and her eyes were still slightly swollen from crying, but other than that, she looked okay. She walked back out to their table, desperately hoping that things wouldn't be awkward.

They were.

The moment she sat back down, Castiel panicked. "Your lips taste like coffee." He blurted. She raised an eyebrow.

"Uh. Sorry? I guess."

"No, don't be sorry. It's a good. A good taste."

So much for things not being awkward. Cas swallowed hard, ignoring the cotton feeling of his throat. "Meg listen I'm-"

"Don't. It's fine, Castiel." She interrupted, stabbing a forkful of pancake and shoving it in her mouth.

Cas' fists clenched under the table. He did love her, so why didn't he say it back? He didn't know what held him back when she'd said it. But he wanted to tell her now. So badly. But somehow he knew that if he said it now, she would never believe it. So he kept his mouth shut, and ate his cold pancakes.


	4. Chapter 4

He took a sip of his mint tea and rubbed his neck. Meg had insisted he take her home. So now he sat alone in his apartment with his thoughts.

Laying his fingers on the keys of his typewriter, he tried to make the words flow. He'd started and restarted this novel thirty times so far. And lately every time he sat down to write, he would end up writing poetry. Most of them about her. But he never showed her. He was too embarrassed, thought maybe it would be too much for her. Perhaps not since she'd confessed her love for him over breakfast.

He pushed at his temples, trying to loosen his pounding headache. He did love her, he could feel it. He just knew by the way his heart swelled in his chest whenever she was around, the way she made him want to move the moon and stars, just for her. But for some reason, he hadn't been able to say the words. How hard could those three little words be? _I love you. _Simple.

He knew why. He knew why he couldn't say it. He was too afraid of losing her. He thought that it would hurt too much to tell her that he loved her, and then have her leave him.

He stood up from his typewriter and began pacing back and forth, his bare feet padding on the uneven wooden floor.

She'd looked so _hurt_. No matter how hard she had tried to hide it, he knew. The way her eyes had squinted to hold back tears. Her tight lipped smile. Just thinking about it made his chest tighten with remorse. She was the last person in the universe he wanted to hurt. But once again he'd screwed things up. He seemed to have a knack for that.

He bit his lip and glanced over at the phone. He could always call her and try to make things right. He should apologize. Tell her that he did in fact love her. But he didn't want to cheapen it. He wanted her to believe it when he said it, and not think he was only trying to preserve her feelings.

So instead of trying to fix things, he did nothing.

( )

Meg stared at her bedroom ceiling. She knew this feeling. This crushing pressure in her chest. The fogginess in her mind.

It was familiar to her.

Rejection.

Clarence didn't feel about her the way that she did, and she tried so hard to make herself believe that it was okay. You can't make someone love you, or want you.

She thought back the first time she had really approached Castiel. She had never been bold enough to approach him before. He seemed so far off. So stoic and sophisticated. But when she'd found out he was working at the auto body her car was in, she had to take a chance. It took just about all of her strength to ask him out to lunch. She was so relieved when he'd said yes.

She remembered feeling so comfortable with him. Like she didn't have to pretend, put on a show. She could just be herself with him, and for someone who had been pretending for most of their life, this was extraordinary.

Right now, it hurt to think about that. She felt distant from him and the memories took on a bittersweet feel.

She didn't want to think about it anymore. So she swung her legs over the edge of her bed and stood up, smoothing out her dress. Just as she was headed to the kitchen the phone rang. Involuntarily her heart leapt.

_Cas_

She cleared her throat and tried to slow her breathing before answering.

"Hello?"

"Hey." Replied a familiar voice. But it wasn't Cas.

"Oh, hey Luke. How are you?" She tried not to sound disappointed. Why had she thought it would be Cas?

She could almost here the smile in Luke's voice as he replied, "Good, good. So, I was wondering if I could take you for a drive? You know just catch up. Reminisce the good old days."

Meg hesitated. It didn't seem right to be alone with someone else when she was with Cas. But then again maybe she should. She liked Luke and Luke cared about her. He persued a relationship with her. Enjoyed her company. It couldn't be that bad to go out with him.

She swallowed hard. "Sure. Pick me up?

"I'll be there at nine. I was thinking a late night drive."

Meg gnawed at her lower lip. "Alright. See you then."

She held the phone in her hand for a few moments before setting it back down onto the reciever with a thud.

_What am I doing? _Rang through her mind. But she chose to ignore the uneasy feeling. She wasn't going to do anything wrong. She was simply catching up with an old friend.

Right?


End file.
